Life in the Delhi Metro

Hey There!

Delhi Metro- The only saving grace of Delhi’s public transportation system and the city’s lifeline. If you’ve ever traveled by metro then you’ll agree that it’s a whole different world inside those coaches. You see/meet a wide variety of people in the Delhi Metro and these people bring with them extraordinary experiences and lessons. In this blog I will try to cover some of the specimen one is bound to cross paths with in what seems to be a parallel universe!

Types of cheap guys-

• Cheap- Some people think they can do anything. Although their spirit is commendable, their actions are not. In this case it is trying to clandestinely click pictures of fellow commuters. Excuse me, Smarty-pants! Everybody can see what you’re doing and if there are some people who didn’t know before, they surely do now because of the shutter sound your phone just made. So here's a little tip for you: If you want to click unflattering selfies, knock yourself out. But clicking pictures of people without their consent is NOT COOL. 
• Cheaper*- This happened in a very crowded metro and the show was for my eyes only, except that I did not ask for it. The boy was wearing a kurta and jeans (and a strong scent of vodka)- यह दिखता है स्वीट, इनोसेंट, स्वामी टाइप का परन्तु है यह बिलकुल हरामी टाइप का | After a few minutes I felt something against my thigh and what do you know- his goods were pressed up against me (through the kurta). I was horrified and made a swift exit from the train on the next station. I regret not saying anything then, I should have reported him to the metro authorities. How freaking difficult is it to keep that rocket in the pocket? 
• Cheapest*- Again, this is a feature of a crowded metro. You’re struggling to stand straight and not breath in any unpleasant smells (another feature of a crowded metro, it’s a gift that keeps on giving) and suddenly you feel a hand on your posterior or your breasts. In my case it was the boob grab and this time I did react, I thrust my knee into his crotch area as hard as I could and he backed right off. People also noticed and stared him down until he left. 

*The cheaper and cheapest are interchangeable, I just can’t decide which is worse.

Types of normal guys-

• The Music Lover- This person has earphones/headphones AT ALL TIMES, but little does he know that the whole metro compartment can hear him because the music is SO DAMN LOUD! I really wish he would turn down the volume a little bit, it will be good for him and others! 
• The Lover Boy- Always on the phone with his ‘bae’. He is usually doing one of two things- either talking cute (read as irritating) things with his girlfriend or trying to pacify his baby/shona/coochiepoo. Sorry dude, we don’t want to know about your lovers’ quarrel. 
• The nice guy- This guy will offer his seat to anybody who needs it more. He is mindful of one’s personal space, he goes about his own business without disturbing others, speaks out when he sees a creepy guy taking photos or doing anything unwanted and indecent. This is a very rare species and we are glad that it exists. Take a bow gentlemen! 

Types of uncles-

There are only two types of uncle :

1.         

2.         The Clueless- Bright Pink ‘Women Only’ banner, repeated announcements about the reserved coach, surrounded by just women in the compartment and yet he doesn’t realize that he is standing in the ladies-only compartment (probably thinking about his next meal). 

Types of kids-

• The Munchkins- Such kids make the metro ride so much fun. They ask you cute questions or make funny faces while sitting in their mothers' laps or just quietly enjoy dancing around the pole. One kind kid also offered me half of his candy once! 
• The Kids from hell- They will stomp their feet, scream bloody murder, pull your hair, tug at your clothes until they get what they want (One kid wanted my phone, like permanently and the mom didn’t say anything. The child could take my mobile phone home for all she cared. I had to take matters into my own hands- Leave the ladies compartment and stand for the rest of the journey in the general coach). 
• The Germ Magnet- This one bugs me so much because I’m kind of a germophobe. Once, a 5 year old peed inside the train and then continued to play in the little puddle he had made (छई छपाक छई). Then he accidentally dropped his toffee in the pee and proceeded to eat it! (He took the 5 second rule a bit too far if you ask me). His parents were oblivious, and in such cases ignorance is definitely not bliss. 

And now, to end this post I would like to share an unimaginable incident (TRUE STORY) with you (WARNING:Explicit content ahead)- A lady in a mustard yellow sari was traveling with her two kids. 10 minutes into the journey the elder of the two urinated on the floor which unfortunately triggered his younger sister, who also peed on the same spot. The mother was in a fix, she really wanted to clean the mess up so she took the already wet underpants of one of the kids and tried to soak up as much of the liquid as she could, which was not that much, but that’s all she could do. Finally the disaster was averted and the mess was cleaned up.....or so she thought because her little one had other plans. The little baby whose underpants had been used as a mop now pooped on the floor! The mother was out of options so she went ahead and scooped up the masterpiece in the folds of her MUSTARD saree (I must say, she got really lucky with the colour), summoned her husband from the adjoining compartment and made a grand exit from the metro and so did I because the smell was just unbearable.

PS.: One pro-tip from a seasoned metro traveler- keep pepper spray and sanitizer handy!

PPS.: I couldn’t possibly cover all kinds of people one comes across in the Delhi Metro in one blog, so read Life in Delhi Metro- The Sequel!